This Isn't Coffee
by LuxAve
Summary: Tadashi has Hiro pick him up after the elder went out drinking with a few friends.


**_There's this post I saw on tumblr eighteen-thousand years ago, I can't find it now and I'll probably never be able to find it again, but it boils down to the fact that this guy was drunk and decided he wanted coffee at McDonalds so he walks in orders a mcdouble, expecting to get coffee (because some coffee chain had a kind of coffee as somethingdouble and he confused to two places) and the guy was confused when he was handed a hamburger. So I decided to make that into a, hopefully, funny little story starring the Hamada Bros._**

 _ **Tadashi is of drinking age and Hiro is old enough to drive.**_

 _ **Don't own.**_

Hiro Hamada was dead asleep when his phone rang for the fifth time, him having slept through the other four calls. He muffled a frustrated groan into his pillow before opening his eyes to answer his phone. He glanced at the screen to see his brother's name and picture brightly looking back at him.

"I'm going to physically harm you." Hiro grumped as a greeting.

Tadashi was laughing into the mic of the phone. "Can, can you come pick me up?" He tried to speak over his friends behind him.

Hiro barely heard him from all the background noise behind his older brother's voice. "I thought you were down stairs?"

"Went out for drinks with Fred and Gogo." Tadashi's speech was sort of slurred. "And uh, I don't think I know which direction home is in." He admitted.

"You're such a lightweight!" Hiro heard Gogo taunt in the background.

"Give him a break, Gogo." Fred's voice appeared, a little more coherent than his brother and Gogo's voices had been. "This isn't his pastime."

Hiro sighed as he got up out of bed. "Where are you?"

"Lucky's." Was all Tadashi said.

"Hamada! Do another shot!" Gogo tried to give the poor college guy another shot glass filled with what ever kind of liquor Gogo deemed as the strongest.

"Tadashi don't do another shot." Hiro complained quietly, more to himself than bossing his brother around.

"No, I'm good." The older Hamada declined.

"I should be there in a few minutes." The sixteen year old told his tipsy brother. "And tomorrow, I'm kicking your ass."

"Playing a pass?" The drunken young adult asked into the phone.

"That's not what I said." Hiro hissed as he quietly made his way downstairs, slipping his shoes on and grabbing his keys. "I'll be there in five minutes. Do I need to stay on the phone with you? Or take anyone else home?"

He didn't listen as Tadashi asked his two drinking buddies if they needed rides, instead working on silently opening, closing and locking the front door and making his way to his beat up little car he bought with his own money as a birthday present to himself.

"No, they're good." Tadashi finally told him.

Hiro tried to pull out into the street with one hand. "Okay, well bro, I'm trying to drive so you're either going to have to stay on the phone and listen to silence, or hang up and be waiting outside in five minutes."

"Fred! You can't do that! This is a public place!" He heard his brother yell to the comic fanatic, not even listening to Hiro.

The sixteen year old sighed, put his phone on speaker and dropped the phone onto the passenger seat next to him. He chose to ignore what ever Tadashi was yelling at Fred about, though it was probably something indecent if the way Gogo encouraged it said anything.

That went the whole time it took Hiro to get across the neighborhood to the bar.

"TADASHI!" Hiro yelled to the phone.

"Ow Hiro!" The older brother finally addressed his brother. "What?" He half-heartedly snapped.

Hiro leaned his head against the steering wheel. "I'm here. Right out front."

"'Kay." Was the only response he got from Tadashi.

"I'm hanging up now." Hiro huffed before ending the call.

It was another few minutes until Tadashi finally stumbled out of the front door.

"Hello little brother." Tadashi greeted with a sloppy smile when he climbed into the car. Immediately, the smell of alcohol filled the car.

Hiro grumbled a hi before starting the car back up. "Did you drink the shots or did you bathe in them?"

"Well," The drunken young adult began. "Technically, both. Fred spilled a glass all over me a little bit ago."

Hiro rolled his eyes. "Of course."

Tadashi started laughing out of nowhere, well it seemed like nowhere to Hiro.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Fred started dancing on top of the bar and started singing- Hey! Can we stop at McDonalds?" He suddenly jumped and asked in a very loud voice.

"I'm tired, Tadashi. I want to go home and go back to bed." Hiro complained.

The older of the two leaned against the younger. "Please?" He gave his best attempt at the puppy dog eyed pleading look. "Coffee?"

The sixteen year old huffed. "Fine. Real quick though. In then out. Better yet, drive-thru."

"Yay!" Tadashi threw his arms around his little brother, who swerved the car at the sudden movement.

"Tadashi! I'm driving!" He pushed his brother away from him and back into the passenger side of the car.

"You're a fantastic driver." Tadashi commented as he watched Hiro turn back into the right lane.

"I'm going to kick your ass twice tomorrow." Hiro mumbled under his breath. He turned the car into the parking lot of the McDonalds. "Okay, I'm kicking your ass three times tomorrow." He said louder when he saw that the drive-thru portion of the fast food joint was closed for repairs. He parked the car into the closest parking spot to the door. "I'm also guessing you need a few bucks for coffee?" He deadpanned as he watched his brother stagger out of the car without answering his question.

He sighed as he started searching through the change in the coin holder before following suit, making sure his brother didn't need a few bucks, a slight hunch told Hiro that Tadashi probably drank all his money he took with him.

It must have taken Hiro longer to get the change than he thought, when he walked in his brother was staring with a slightly confused and devastated look on his face, holding a hamburger.

"This isn't coffee." Tadashi told the cashier as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Hiro cracked up in the doorway.

The cashier looked from Tadashi to Hiro then back to the older Hamada before him. "No. No it isn't." He replied with a straight face.

The young adult turned to his brother by the door. "It's not coffee."

Hiro was laughing so hard he stumbled as he tried to walk to his brother. "Go sit in the car and eat your coffee." He pushed batted his brother's arm and pointed to the door. "I'll get this."

Tadashi started walking toward the door. "It's not coffee." He mumbled to himself.

Hiro watched to make sure his brother got into the car, the right car since the man couldn't even order coffee at the moment, before turning to the cashier. "Sorry." He laughed. "I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say he _didn't_ order a coffee."

The cashier chuckled. "No he didn't. He ordered a Double."

The sixteen year old nodded. "Yeah, I know what happened. He's a dumbnut. Can I have a small coffee please?"

The cashier nodded and filled the order. "Two fifty."

Hiro dropped the coins into the cashier's hand. "Thank you." He walked out the door. "You're stupid." He told his brother, who was still staring at the sandwich in his hand, when he got in. "Here's your damned coffee."

"Hey! Coffee!" The twenty-one year old dropped the wrapped sandwich into his lap in favor of grabbing the small cup. "How'd you get it?"

"I didn't order it using a different restaurant's name for it." Hiro muttered as he started up the car.

Tadashi made a questioning noise as he took a sip of the hot liquid.

"McDonalds doesn't serve Double Doubles, that's Tim Horton's." The younger grouched. "We're going home. I'm tired."

(-)

Tadashi woke up with a headache before he even opened his eyes; he let out a noise of protest when he did crack them open and bright lights assaulted his sensitive pupils. He rolled over to bury his face into his pillow but instead he face-planted into something that wasn't a pillow.

He sat up, leaning on an elbow, and looked down on his pillow. "Hiro." Tadashi's voice cracked.

"What now?" He heard Hiro hiss after a few seconds of silence.

"Why the hell is there a McDonalds hamburger on my pillow?" The elder of the two pinched the bridge of his nose. He was in no mood for jokes in his post-drinking state.

He heard his brother crack up laughing from his side of the room. "You declared that you were going to marry it."

The young adult stared at the sandwich with a blank expression. "I don't think I want to know how I came to that conclusion."

"It's a funny story!" Hiro attempted to say through fits of laughter. "After I picked you up, you wanted a coffee so we stopped at McDonalds and you ran in and thought you ordered a coffee, but you confused the coffee there with coffee from Tim Horton's. So they made you that." His little brother stumbled over to Tadashi's corner of the room. "You should have seen your face when I walked through the door. You looked so heartbroken and you pointed out 'this isn't coffee' and the guy behind the counter-" He had to stop talking he was laughing so hard. "The guy just looked so confused!"

"So, why am I marrying it?" Tadashi deadpanned, looking over his shoulder to the teen.

"After I got you an _actual_ coffee, you dropped the sandwich and rediscovered it when you got out of the car." Hiro leaned against the wall to keep himself from losing his balance. "You said it was 'a gift from the Heavens' and that you would 'cherish it always'. And half way up here you had the greatest idea to cherish it and promptly asked me to drive you to Vegas so you two could elope."

The older male looked at the younger for a moment, eyes narrowing in disbelief. "Alright, you're making up stories."

"Nope. I got that one on camera." Wild hair disappeared from view before popping back up. "Here." He handed his older brother his phone with a video pulled up. "And don't bother deleting it, I've saved it to multiple places."

Tadashi was absolutely embarrassed that he actually did that as he watched the video. "I'm never drinking again." He moved the sandwich from the pillow so he could properly face-plant like he intended to.

Hiro patted his brother's head. "Good. I wasn't able to get back to sleep, so later, I'm kicking your ass four times."

"Never drinking again." Tadashi repeated, his voice muffled by the fabric. "Ever."


End file.
